Stephanie Westerinen 3/8/21 Stephanie Westerinen 3/8/21

2021

Allow me to start by saying that I LOVE my Finnish heritage. I am fiercely proud of the fact that my background lies along the Arctic circle. (Somewhat, at least. Sorry, dad, I WILL take that genealogy test you gave me and find out for sure!)

There are so many good things about Finnish culture: so much of the food (no, not salmiakki, I never did learn to eat that), the work ethic, the connection with nature, the summer cabin on a lake, and saunas. Many Finns are reserved and quiet, yet they are among the most hospitable, friendly, and downright “real” people you can meet. Part of the Finnish psyche is a self-deprecating sense of humor. How can you tell if a Finn likes you? He looks at your shoes while talking with you, instead of at his own shoes.

One of the things that Finnish people are known for is their work ethic. Somehow it is part of the culture, and children grow up with it ingrained in them. I have heard anecdotal stories of Finns being actively sought out by employers, because there is a (not unreasonable) assumption that they will be very hard workers, honest, and reliable.

Finnish culture embraces the idea of “SISU,” an ability to continue on, even when the odds are against you. A dear sister in faith (from Finland) who recently passed away lived 18 months after an initial prediction of days or weeks, and her daughter and I agreed that there is no medical explanation for Sisu! Sisu can also mean very, very stubborn, which does not always have positive connotations, but stubbornness can be a very good thing depending on the circumstances!

The sauna is an essential part of the Finnish identity. The experience of sitting in a very hot room (180-200 degrees or even hotter!), dumping water on the hot rocks to create steam, is cleansing physically and mentally. It is a place to relax and reconnect with yourself, and also a very social place, where you can take time to visit with your family or friends. Having a “sauna evening” at someone’s house is a very bonding experience, where different generations can mingle and enjoy each others’ company.

I came across this cartoon in, of all things, a coffee table book about Upper Michigan rug making. Many Finns emigrated to Upper Michigan, and part of this book took on trying to explain the Finnish experience.

However, there are also things about Finnish culture that are not ideal. The piece of the Finnish psyche that is reserved sometimes says that showing affirmation or affection of any kind is not appropriate. There’s an old story that, after many years of marriage, the Finnish wife asks her husband, “Why don’t you ever tell me that you love me?” His answer: “I told you once that I loved you, and if anything ever changes, I’ll let you know!” It’s a funny story, but it’s very sad when it’s actually true.

As much as the Finnish people are kind and warm-hearted, this approach to life can be very difficult for those close to people who actually live like this. Daily empathy and affirmation of another person’s feelings is a very important part of a healthy relationship. Every one of us needs to hear, on a regular basis, that we mean something to someone.

The Finnish work ethic can become too much when it becomes the most important thing in a person’s life. Some people seem to be wired to take this so seriously that it becomes an integral part of who they are, to the extent of not being willing (or even able) to spend time with family or friends, damaging relationships in the name of “I can’t stop until the job is done.”

Parenting is, by most standards, the most important job we are called on to do as people. If we do not invest enough quality time with our children, there are very real and long-lasting consequences, both in their emotional health and in our relationships with them. We need to spend time learning to be attuned to their emotions and needs, empathizing and validating them, teaching them their own importance, and helping them realize their strengths, while building them up where they are weak.

The same is true in romantic relationships: they take time and effort. If someone is so focused on work that they cannot take time and effort to care for their relationship, things can go south very quickly. Add to that an inability or unwillingness to share affection, and it is very difficult for the other person, who can quickly feel like they simply are not on the priority list.

Of course, generalizations of any kind are not true for everyone. Many, many Finns are outwardly loving, are willing to invest in emotional growth, and are very supportive partners and parents who are able to balance work and family or social life. I am speaking of those who embrace work and reservedness to the detriment of personal relationships. That is when it has gone too far. We cannot expect our children and our partners to get by only on Sisu.

I have heard the argument, “Well, this is how we were raised, and our parents were raised, and so this is how we raised our children and this is how it is!” I would submit that with new understanding about the importance of emotional support (even from a scientific standpoint it is fairly new understanding), we can give ourselves permission to hang onto the best parts of our Finnish heritage, and improve on those parts that we now understand to be less than ideal.

Footnote: I introduced Alexithymia in my previous post. It is very interesting to me that Finnish culture, the Finnish psyche, and Finnish men are mentioned again and again in my readings about Alexithymia. There seems to be something about Finnish culture that makes emotions very difficult to deal with for some people.

Stephanie Westerinen 2/8/21 Stephanie Westerinen 2/8/21

Blog Post 1: 02/08/2021

I was riding in the car with one of my children, and picked up on the fact that something wasn’t quite right. “What?” I asked, “are you disappointed in how that went?”

“Yes,” muttered the child, somewhat downcast.

Full of my new-found knowledge and understanding about nurturing my childrens’ emotional health and growth, I responded, “What? There’s no reason for you to be disappointed! You did just fine!!”

Screech on the mental brakes. Did I just say that? What about validating and teaching them to acknowledge and deal with whatever their emotions are? Oops. Wrong approach. Again.

“Wait,” I said. “Let me try that again. I’m sorry you are disappointed about this situation. I, however, feel that you have nothing to be embarrassed about, that went absolutely just fine in my opinion.” A pause. “Let yourself be disappointed, feel it, acknowledge it, work through it, and hopefully you’ll be willing to try again next time.” I should have added something along the lines of, “Do you want to tell me about why you’re disappointed?” Maybe next time I’ll think of it.

Is there such thing as a “wrong” emotion? I agree that there are some emotions that are not healthy to dwell on, or live in, such as intense anger, or shame and guilt. However, all emotion serves us a purpose. For example, fear alerts us to possible danger. It is up to us to slow down enough to feel it, name it if we can, and try to understand why it is that we felt it. Only then can we process what it is that we might need to do about it.

Some of our emotions can be explained by the idea of unfulfilled dreams, or long-standing fears. They can come from mistakes that we have made in the past and are scared of making again, or from well-meaning loved ones who may have invalidated our feelings in the past (as I started to with my child in this story). If we understand where a feeling came from, it can be a starting point to understanding what we are supposed to learn from it.