Blog post #5 3/8/2021

Allow me to start by saying that I LOVE my Finnish heritage.  I am fiercely proud of the fact that my background lies along the Arctic circle.  (Somewhat, at least.  Sorry, dad, I WILL take that genealogy test you gave me and find out for sure!)

There are so many good things about Finnish culture:  so much of the food (no, not salmiakki, I never did learn to eat that), the work ethic, the connection with nature, the summer cabin on a lake, and saunas.  Many Finns are reserved and quiet, yet they are among the most hospitable, friendly, and downright “real” people you can meet.  Part of the Finnish psyche is a self-deprecating sense of humor.  How can you tell if a Finn likes you?  He looks at your shoes while talking with you, instead of at his own shoes.

One of the things that Finnish people are known for is their work ethic.  Somehow it is part of the culture, and children grow up with it ingrained in them.  I have heard anecdotal stories of Finns being actively sought out by employers, because there is a (not unreasonable) assumption that they will be very hard workers, honest, and reliable.

Finnish culture embraces the idea of “SISU,” an ability to continue on, even when the odds are against you.  A dear sister in faith (from Finland) who recently passed away lived 18 months after an initial prediction of days or weeks, and her daughter and I agreed that there is no medical explanation for Sisu!  Sisu can also mean very, very stubborn, which does not always have positive connotations, but stubbornness can be a very good thing depending on the circumstances!

The sauna is an essential part of the Finnish identity.  The experience of sitting in a very hot room (180-200 degrees or even hotter!), dumping water on the hot rocks to create steam, is cleansing physically and mentally.  It is a place to relax and reconnect with yourself, and also a very social place, where you can take time to visit with your family or friends.  Having a “sauna evening” at someone’s house is a very bonding experience, where different generations can mingle and enjoy each others’ company.

I came across this cartoon in, of all things, a coffee table book about Upper Michigan rug making. Many Finns emigrated to Upper Michigan, and part of this book took on trying to explain the Finnish experience.

However, there are also things about Finnish culture that are not ideal.  The piece of the Finnish psyche that is reserved sometimes says that showing affirmation or affection of any kind is not appropriate.  There’s an old story that, after many years of marriage, the Finnish wife asks her husband, “Why don’t you ever tell me that you love me?”  His answer:  “I told you once that I loved you, and if anything ever changes, I’ll let you know!”  It’s a funny story, but it’s very sad when it’s actually true.

As much as the Finnish people are kind and warm-hearted, this approach to life can be very difficult for those close to people who actually live like this.  Daily empathy and affirmation of another person’s feelings is a very important part of a healthy relationship.  Every one of us needs to hear, on a regular basis, that we mean something to someone.

The Finnish work ethic can become too much when it becomes the most important thing in a person’s life.  Some people seem to be wired to take this so seriously that it becomes an integral part of who they are, to the extent of not being willing (or even able) to spend time with family or friends, damaging relationships in the name of “I can’t stop until the job is done.”

Parenting is, by most standards, the most important job we are called on to do as people.  If we do not invest enough quality time with our children, there are very real and long-lasting consequences, both in their emotional health and in our relationships with them. We need to spend time learning to be attuned to their emotions and needs, empathizing and validating them, teaching them their own importance, and helping them realize their strengths, while building them up where they are weak.

The same is true in romantic relationships:  they take time and effort.  If someone is so focused on work that they cannot take time and effort to care for their relationship, things can go south very quickly.  Add to that an inability or unwillingness to share affection, and it is very difficult for the other person, who can quickly feel like they simply are not on the priority list.

Of course, generalizations of any kind are not true for everyone.  Many, many Finns are outwardly loving, are willing to invest in emotional growth, and are very supportive partners and parents who are able to balance work and family or social life.  I am speaking of those who embrace work and reservedness to the detriment of personal relationships.  That is when it has gone too far.  We cannot expect our children and our partners to get by only on Sisu.

I have heard the argument, “Well, this is how we were raised, and our parents were raised, and so this is how we raised our children and this is how it is!”  I would submit that with new understanding about the importance of emotional support (even from a scientific standpoint it is fairly new understanding), we can give ourselves permission to hang onto the best parts of our Finnish heritage, and improve on those parts that we now understand to be less than ideal.

Footnote: I introduced Alexithymia in my previous post. It is very interesting to me that Finnish culture, the Finnish psyche, and Finnish men are mentioned again and again in my readings about Alexithymia. There seems to be something about Finnish culture that makes emotions very difficult to deal with for some people.

Blog post #4 3/1/2021

Empathy can be defined as “the ability to understand and share the feelings of another.”

One extension of this:  “Developing empathy is crucial for establishing relationships and behaving compassionately.”

The ability to know how another person feels relates to all the parts of our life where we interact with other people.  Whether it’s in romantic relationships, with our children, with our friends, or even in the workplace, it is an important skill to have.

So much of our emotion is shown, not in WHAT we say, but in our tone of voice, our body language, or our facial expressions.

Empathic ability is very much tied to success in life.  In one study, children who were able to read feelings nonverbally were more popular and more emotionally stable than their peers.  They also did better in school, even though their IQs were not any higher than children who struggled with reading nonverbal cues about emotions.

Even in babies only a few months old, empathy can be seen.  Quite often, if a baby hears another baby in distress, she will start crying herself.  As children grow, they learn that others’ distress is not their own, and begin to try to comfort other children who are having difficulties, for example by retrieving a special stuffed toy or blanket for the other to cuddle.  Children whose discipline included the parent pointing out how their behavior caused someone else’s distress learned to be more empathetic.

Children learn empathy and become emotionally balanced when the adults around them respond appropriately to their emotions:  if a child is sad, the parent can mimic a sad expression and speak in a soothing tone of voice.  If a parent underreacts, a child can become passive:  “If I can’t make my dad react when I get excited, why should I even bother trying?”  Even babies as young as three months old can pick up on the mood of a depressed parent, and mimic that mood.  When a parent consistently fails to show empathy, a child can learn that s/he should avoid expressing a particular emotion -- or can learn to not feel that emotion at all.

This ability to connect with our children (or even with others!) is known as “attunement.”  If we do not give our children this connection, it can lead to them struggling with emotional health.  

If people visit with a counselor or therapist, they feel the most understood when the therapist “mirrors” their feelings, reflecting back how the patient feels.  This is very similar to how we can teach our children how to handle their emotions -- by validating them.

Validation is one way we can show empathy:  by reassuring someone that we understand where they are coming from, whether or not we actually agree with them on the particular subject at hand.  It takes into account wherever the person is coming from, whether their current state of mind or their previous experience with a given situation.  It’s what we do when we tell our friends, “No, you’re not crazy!  I understand why you would feel that way.”

If we see in ourselves that we have failed in showing empathy or validation, the good news is that relationships are continually shifting and changing, and an imbalance can be corrected.

What about people who struggle with empathy?  These could be people who are very depressed, and can barely see beyond the inside of their own heads.  They could also be abusers or sociopaths.

There is also another group of people who have a condition called Alexithymia.  This word means, literally, “no words for feelings.”  They often don’t know what they themselves are feeling, and by extension have very great difficulty understanding what anyone around them is feeling.  The emotional world is perplexing to them, and trying to discuss and describe emotions to them has been compared to trying to explain color to someone who is colorblind.  Some experts consider it to be related to (or a subset of Asperger Syndrome).  People who are in a close relationship with someone like this especially need empathy and validation from the other people around them.

In conclusion, empathy is a very important piece of what makes our lives rich, especially in reference to the people around us.

Main outside resource for this post:  “Emotional Intelligence:  Why it can matter more than IQ” by Daniel Goleman